Open Question For Lesbians

Hi Lesbians,

This is the Lone Crusader with a quick question for you ladies and it goes like this:

At some point in your life you decided you like chicks not guys, right?

So the simple question that’s been bothering me today is:

IF YOU LIKE CHICKS SO MUCH WHY DO SO MANY OF YOU MAKE YOURSELVES LOOK LIKE GUYS!??!?

Does this shit make any sense?

Before I let you answer let me propose an answer of my own and you tell me if I’m right.

Deep down you really do like men. You need that butch strong personality in your life.

But at some point in your life some guy or guys really fucked you over bad. You wanted to get even so you went homo.

But you’ve still got that desire for balls hidden deep inside so you have your girlfriend dress like a dude or you dress like a dude to try to compensate.

Did I get it right?

I mean I think my logic here is straightforward. Imagine for a moment if I asked my wife to put on a fake mustache, flannel, and baggy jeans on and fuck me in the ass with a plastic penis. I think in that case we could all agree that I have a closet desire to be fucked by a guy. But when lesbians go and do the exact same fucking thing nobody asks them if they have a closet desire to be fucked by a guy too? We just take this shit for granted.

Well fuck that! Not me! The loons haven’t got to me yet and if anything I think I’ll get to them first.

The Lone Crusader

P.S. I realize with this post there’s a good chance I’m probably alienating my #1 lesbian fan, the always funny and always articulate hostess

Well I do feel bad about pissing off one of the only fans I have left after I scared away the atheists, the Christians, the Catholics, the Obama supporters and now the Muslims. But all I can say is you can’t have it both ways. If you want to be “normal” then you just have to suck it up and fuck guys like most normal chicks do. If you want to be “different” and “unique” then you have to be prepared for the regular folks to call you on the carpet for what you do. After they do that and you can call them on the carpet for the shit they do and all this talk about calling on the carpet sounds like a good way for any lesbian to spend her Wednesday afternoon. But I digress.

P.P.S.

Newsflash to lesbians: Just because one or even many guys fucked you over does not mean all guys are bad. Only most.

But if you cut out this manly bullshit and put on some make-up I bet you could land yourself one of the few good ones if you only give it a shot.

P.P.P.S. New thought straight from my hyper-active brain: This makes less sense to me now then it ever did! Fuck! If you lesbians are being lesbians as some kind of protest against men then why the fuck would you want to dress or act like a guy?! Trust me, you’re not making any guys jelous that they can’t have you when you’re sporting that mushroom cut.

If you really want to make our stomach’s churn you’ve got to turn on the sex charm and bleach your hair blonde and get breast implants and basically make yourseleves look like Jenny fucking McCarthy and THEN tell all the guys who are interested to eat shit because you fuck girls only. Now that’s revenge! Not this manly bullshit.

What the fuck are you ladies thinking?

If I don’t get some good answers I guess it’s time to expand the Looney Bin again.

New Picture of Obama in Muslim-African Clothing

He’s the one on the left there.

You heard it here first folks. Now whenever anyone tells you that the Lone Crusader is not on the cutting edge of things you can just kindly proceed to stab them in the eye with whatever sharp object you have handy because I broke this story before any of those any of those assfucking media moguls.

And notice how I break the story. I’m doing the job that the media can’t seem to be able to do.

They can’t just give you the damn story. They can’t just show you the damn picture, tell you that it’s going around the internet and let YOU decide what you think of it.

They have to make up your mind for you about what you should think about it in their gigantic bullshit headlines before you even see the damn thing.

Well fuck you media moguls! The Lone Crusader is taking over your job because you suck at it!

Here’s the picture and if you don’t like it you can shove it up your ass. But I’m doing my part to spread this shit around the internet because I think people should have a right to see it and make up their own minds about it.

Only the facts here. Facts are that this is an African garb, but the types of Africans who wear this garb are generally Muslim. If you don’t give a shit neither do I.

Another fact is that Louis Farakhan who is just about the most evil fucker we still have today is quite taken with this Obama feller and Obama’s Trinity Church is pretty taken with Farakhan. If you’re cool with that so am I. I just report the facts. At least that’s my policy today.

‘Nuff said.

The Lone Crusader

An Open Letter to Muslim Terrorists from the Lone Crusader

An Open Letter to Muslim Terrorists
Dear Muslim Terrorists,

This is the Lone Crusader. And I’m here to tell you that I see you out there doing your thing. I see you blowing yourselves up along with the infidels in various hotspots around the globe. I also see a lot people giving you a lot of shit for this shit that you’re doing. So right off the bat let me tell you that I’m not like them. I’m different. Unlike everyone else out there giving you a rough time about your terrorism I won’t. I get you. Okay?

No shit. I understand where you are coming from.

I know damn well it says in your Holy Books that you get 70 virgins in heaven when you do this shit.

I understand that from your location and socio-economic status 70 virgins sounds like a hell of a good deal.

So don’t get me wrong. If the Lone Crusader was the Muslim Lone Crusader and in your position I just might go and do the same thing you do.

The simple facts are that nothing could be worse than a life of fucking only ugly women. That can hardly be called a ‘life” at all.
So not having a lot of cash and resources, being doomed to a “life” of fucking either ugly women” or “camels” or the dessert sand is enough to make you want to kill yourself right there.

But then you go and tell me that if I kill myself (which I wanted to do anyway) and kill some Jews at the same time (which I wanted to do anyway because the Koran says I should hate those bastards in Suras 2:61, 65 3:112, 7:166) then I get 70 virgins in heaven! Shit! Now that just sounds like a win-win situation for the Muslim Lone Crusader.

Now do you understand that I’m not here to criticize? Now do you understand that I sympathize with your plight. I mean, you guys and me. We’re like two peas in a pod.

I would kill for sex any day of the week and so would you. People like us are the few who understand that while killing innocent people is not very good…but a life without good sex is just fucking G-d awful. Really we should grab a beer sometime because we both so fucking alike. With all the crazy bullshit that goes on in this fucked up world we are the only fuckers that haven’t lost site of what really matters: fucking. But not just fucking. Good fucking. And fucking nice virgnis with big tities.

So while I’m not here to call you murderers or any of that shit I do have a reason for writing this letter.
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I think there is a better way.

This whole “70 virgins in heaven for blowing up yourself and other fuckers you hate anyway” all sounds fine and dandy on paper. But in reality there are 5 problems here that we must confront before we make a big decision like whether or not to blow ourselves into oblivion for this shit.

Problem #1: The blowing yourself up part.

I think we both can agree that blowing yourself up is a pretty fucked up thing to do. No matter how low your self esteem might be I think we’d all agree you deserve a bit more respect than having your body parts wind up in bite sized pieces splattered all over some Kosher Pizza Shop.

(does this fucker to the left look like he’s having a good time up there?)

Just think about where your nose will end up, or your dick (in some Jew’s soggy french fries perhaps?) or your finger. Just think about it and ask yourself if maybe there isn’t a better way to achieve your goals through other means.
Problem #2: What if they were bullshitting you?

I know you won’t like this one because you are a “believer ’till the end” and all of that bullshit but the beginning of education is facing harsh realities. So let’s face the facts.

There are a hell of a lot of religions out there. There’s three big ones: Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Then we’ve got the different types of Jews Muslims and Christians. Then we’ve got the budhists, hindus and we’ve got no end to the other kinds of looney cults we’ve got out there. But then, there’s only one Truth, now isn’t there? Everybody can’t be right.

Now I’m no mathematician but by my count all things being equal right off the bat you’ve only got less than a 33.3% chance that the shit your religion is even true between the big three religions. Add in all the other religions and let’s throw the the atheists into the mix to make it interesting and that percentage goes down significantly. I mean what if one of those fucked up cults in Texas has the Truth? It’s unlikely, but we just can’t rule out the possibility in a world of logic.

Judaism is probably the oldest of all those religions and those few fuckers are still around doing their thing even though everyone was always trying to kill them so we’ve got to give them a few extra points for surviving against the odds for so long.

So let’s be conservative here and just say that there’s definitely no more than a 20% chance that your religion is even true.

In laymans terms this means that: THERE’S AN 80% CHANCE THAT YOUR RELIGIONS IS DEAD FUCKING WRONG!!!!!!

Do you realize what this means?

It doesn’t mean you should stop being a Muslim. That would be nuts. Maybe G-d digs your shit against all odds. In every good movie the underdog wins. Why should life (the big movie) be any different?

So we don’t want to give up Islam because of this shit. But if we are reasonable folks (and I think we all are) then we won’t hedge any serious bets on a team that has a 20% odds to win.

I mean would you have bet the farm that the Giants would beat the Pats this year? Hell no. I rest my case.

And this is no small bet here.

According to most of those religions out there what you’re planning on doing would earn you a one way ticket to hell.

I mean, just imagine for a moment how much it would suck if after splattering yourself to bits all over a strip mall you go ‘upstairs’ only to see no virgins but just a massive strip mall like the one you were in here on earth. And then all of the sudden you hear this massive explosion. Another explosion and another one. Fuck! That shit is blowing out my ear drums! It’s getting closer and closer until the explosions pelts you with nails and blow you to bits and splatter you all over the wall. You wake up and it happens again. And again and again.

I know I have a fucked up imagination. But would it be so nuts to think that maybe G-d would make you live an eternity experiencing what you made those infidels experience?

That sounds like rough justice to me. It sounds almost Biblical.

I”m not saying you’re religion is wrong at all. I’m just saying you’ve got to a be a pragmatist and weigh all the possibilities, the pros and cons and risk aversion in light of the worst case scenario that before you get hyped up and make some brash decisions that you might not be able to take back.

I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but what if the Islamic books just made up this whole virign thing to sucker people like you into spreading their bullshit religion by the sword because people we”t buying into it on logic alone. I’m not saying it’s true. I’m just saying it’s possible. Consider the possibility and weight them before you make decisions you can’t take back.
Problem #3:

You”ll be in heaven but your dick will be in a hundred peices on earth.

This one you should already be familiar with. I know some of you guys even go so far as to wrap your dick in a napkin before you blow yourselves up. Well I got news for you. WHEN YOUR HIGH POWERED EXPLOSIVE STRAPPED TO YOUR CHEST GOES OFF YOUR napkin won’t do shit.

Your dick will be completely fucked when you are through with this mess so even if Islam is right, how will you take advantage of those hot virgins?

Now I know that they probably tell you that G-d will give you a new Muslim body along with a Muslim super dick, but then ask yourself this question: If they give you a new body and a new super dick, then it’s not really you up there now is it? I mean you were supposed to be the one getting the virgins, not some Superhero angel body dude that looks kinda like you.
Which brings me to another point: Is the sex up there going to be all spiritual and heavenly too?

You don’t want that shit.
You want the down and dirty sweaty sex that you can only get in this world. Not that spiritual shit.

Problem #4:

Virigins are overrated.

Need I say more?

Why fuck a chick that leaves you with a bloody mess all over your dick when you’re done when you can fuck one that leaves you clean as a whistle? Why? Because virgins are tight? Well Chinese chicks are tight too virgin or not (and they can cook a mean stir-fry to boot!).

Plus the chick is in pain the whole time you’re trying to get your kicks. Any man who’s done a nickle’s worth of fucking knows that the real fun begins after you’ve gotten past this bloody virginity bullshit.

If you don’t know you’ll just have to take my word on this: Virgins are overrated. Get yourself some experienced pussy and reap the ample benefits.

Problem #5:

Even if your religion is right, and somehow you have your own dick up there and these virgins are not as overrated as the ones here on earth…you’ve still got another problem.

Do you like blind dates? I don’t either.

No chance to see what you’re getting yourself into. I know your imams tell you that the virgins up there are “beatiful” but you must understand that they are basing themselves on texts written centuries ago. Their definition of “beautiful” back then might be different in a few significant ways to what we consider beautiful now.

It wasn’t that long ago that we considered fat chicks beautiful and skinny ones were the ugly bitches. Fat was a sign of wealth. I assume everyone is wealthy up there with all the grapes and shit you got going on…whose to say you aren’t going to blow yourself to bits only to find yourself with a bunch of Arabian Muslim fatties. I”m not saying its’ going to happen…all I’m saying is it’s risky unless you can get some kind of picture in advance of what these virgins will look like.

And lesson #1 in life: Don’t bet your whole life on shitty odds. Okay? With all these problems I just brought up you are better off playing Russian Roulette than getting involved in this 70 virgin terrorism bullshit.

But don’t worry folks…get ready for the Lone Crusaders unique, never-thought-of-before-because-most-peoples’-skull-is-full-of-shit solution to all these problems.

Get ready for my:

Simple And (Undoubtedly) Brilliant Solution

This one is so simple and brilliant you might just blow up reading it because it’s that good.

I laid out 5 pretty substantial ‘wrinkles’ in your little plan to get your hands on all those virgins, but I can solve all of them for you with one word.

And that word is: www.adultfriendfinder.com

By its own testimony this website is: “The World’s Largest Sex & Swinger Personals Community”.

And there are LOTS of other websites like it. Just google it if you don’t believe me.
I’ve never used this service myself, I’ve never had the need. But I hear from reliable sources that most of these websites are the real deal.

Do you realize what this means my Muslim terrorist friends?

There are actually hot chicks (maybe even some virgins) ready here and now for your Muslim cock. Lot’s of them. They’re not in heaven. They’re here in New Jersey, in New Mexico, in Nebraska in Los Angeles. They’re not asking for money. They’re just asking for a good fuck from a strong warrior like yourself.

You don’t need to blow yourself up to get them. How did this happen?

Well it’s not important right now but there’s been a feminization of the American and European white male that’s been going on for a few decades.

Most of their balls have jumped bail. So you’re left with all these chicks that are DESPARATE for a strong man like yourself to fuck them like they need to be fucked.

They want it hard. And they would love nothing more than Muslim cock to fulfill their desires.

So fuck this heaven bullshit. Why wait with shitty odds? Go with the sure bet that’s available today. These chicks are here. They are now. They are real. You can see their pictures in advance. There are more than 70 of them. There’s probably at least 700 of them on any one of these sites on any given night if you are willing to travel a bit.
Hop on a plane wherever your are, spend two bucks in an internet cafe, pick your slut and start living your fantasy right now.

This is not an ad for these websites. This the Lone Crusader looking out for you and telling you you don’t need to look anywhere but planet Earth for your dreams to be fulfilled.

Paradise is right under your nose. So drop the explosives belt and pick up a mouse and just click your way to your dreams. This really changes the score. Sex is at your fingertips today. Blow yourself and your dick up and there’s a good chance you are PASSING UP the opportunity of a lifetime staring you in the face right now for the 20% chance of heavenly overrated fat virgins. Don’t be a loon. Cut the terrorism bullshit and get down to the original purpose behind all this shit: fucking hot women.

Okay?

Okay everyone.

I’m expecting a lot more fucking and a lot less fighting once this spreads virally through the internet. I can already hear world peace descending upon us heralded by the almighty sound of some chick’s multiple orgasms.

There I did it.

Now go back to whatever the fuck you were doing.

The Lone Crusader

If you don’t find this funny…

you should probably just kill yourself now, because your life is that bad.

You want more bitches!?!!?!

Here ya’ go:

Let me fuck you up just one more time with this one:

Now stop fucking around and do something productive, boys and girls. You were not put on this earth by Me JUST to watch fucked up Youtube videos.

That was your weekend fun with T.L.C. but it’s over now.

Now go make some money so the economy can grow and shit like that. We’ve got to grow that economy so we can create jobs so we can generate enough tax revenue to support government funding for publically funded universities so they can grant tenure to pompous, condescending, head in their-ass professors to spew their bullshit views and infect the next generation of fuckers with their elitist, suicidal, madness so their students can be as fucked up as their parents were all while hiding the truth from the poor fuckers behind a foggy cloud of 10 dollar vocabulary words that they learned in high school while studying for the SATs. Meanwhile, the students come out thinking they are fucking geniuses but can’t find work because they have no marketable skills so they must then go and apply for a teaching job at the publically funded university and the cycle continues.

Let’s just do that now. Okay?

The Lone Crusader

Maddox vs. The Lone Crusader

Many of you may be familiar with a dude named “Maddox” with an undeniably popular website named: thebestpageintheuniverse.com. In all honesty I must tell you that I like this guy’s website. I like this guy’s style. I like the fact that he has testicles and he knows how to use them.

Here is one of my all time favorite articles from “Maddox” which starts off with a great rant about dumb-fuckers (some blacks included) who constantly display their ignorance with their utterly fucked up usage of the term “African- American”.

This baby will give you a flavor of what Maddox is all about in case you haven’t heard of him.

Here’s the link, fuckers: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=your_stupid_ideas

Now as you read that many of you (myself included) will see some similarities to the way that Maddox and I rant about stuff that pisses us off.

More than one of my hateful miracle bloggers has been so kind as to suggest that I am actually “copying” or “impersonating” Maddox with my blog.

Now I have a few questions about this, the first of which is:

YOU DON’T KNOW ME FOR A SHIT IN THE POND! YOU DON’T KNOW HOW OLD I AM AND FOR ALL YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN THINKING LIKE THIS AND WRITING LIKE THIS SINCE BEFORE MADDOX WAS BORN!!!!!!

But don’t tell that the hateful fuckers. In an effort to try to (always unsuccessfully) tear me down… all of the sudden the care they usually display when it comes to carefully weighing the available evidence before drawing any conclusions about whether there is a G-d who created this world or some shit like that…completely goes out the window when they get into their “insult first, ask questions later” mode that they use when they encounter poor unsuspecting fuckers like me.

Well, fuck that!

Here’s the G-d honest truth and you can take or leave, but I don’t really give a shit.

(to the left: a cool pirate)

In truth, Maddox and I are probably around the same age. But I have been pissed off about dumb shit that people do and have been thinking about it, and writing about it since as long as I could think and write…and this sure as hell has been going on for many years before Maddox’s website, or even the internet, existed.

So that’s that.

But there is another interesting point to be made over here.

The Alpha Male personality is a dying breed. A lot of different people are responsible for this, I’m not placing blame in this particular post, but for whatever reason, men who used to be men have become a bunch of pussy-girly-sorry excuses for men.

In most marriages the women call the shots and wear the pants. When men get into a serious relationship they basically pack up their balls and ship them off to India or some shit like that until they either break up or die.

Even the single men have become major pussies…but this is all for another post.

So under these conditions it’s no surprise that when someone comes along and actually displays some testosteroe, is not afraid to say the truth even when it will piss off large groups of people, generally tell the folks what they really are (a bunch of loons)…that people will start drawing comparisons between these few and far in between fuckers who actually do this.

Throw in the fact that both Maddox and I like to exaggerate the truthful shit we are saying in a humorous way so people will like it…and badda boom badda bing…we’re two peas in a pod.

Well fuck that! We shouldn’t be the only two dudes in the world talking, writing and thinking like this!!!!!!!!!!

I think all guys should (at least at certain times) be like Maddox, like me or whatever and just display some balls once in a while and remind us all that you actually do have a dick! Stop being a pussy and worrying about what people think of you. Say what you feel and people will actually respect you for it. You men would feel more happy and fulfilled. You women would actually like it better too, because what chick ever wanted to fuck a wimpy girly-man? I’ve seen those romance novels you chicks love to read. I know what you like. You like a man who takes control. Not a pussy. So don’t bullshit me. The Lone Crusader knows all. Okay?

Both the men and the women would be happier if men learned from guys like us and started to grow some hair on your balls and tell people to “fuck off” when that’s what they deserve to hear.

Now some people have suggested that Maddox does a much better job than me at this shit. That I “fail” in my impersonation of “Maddox”.

Well I already dealt with the whole impersonation issue, but now I’d like to deal with the issue of who is actually better: the Lone Crusader? Or Maddox?

This analysis will be done by me, of course, and in all of my objective wisdom I’ve chosen to analyze the important issues and assign points where one web author is better than the other. The one with the most points at the end of this brilliant shit is the better man and the better website. Okay? You ready, you fuckers?!!!!!!! Good. Get pumped. Here we go.

Maddox knows how to do technological shit on the internet and I don’t: Maddox 1 T.L.C: 0

(To the left: what Maddox really looks like on the right there. NOTE: Dude on left is not, nor looks anything like T.L.C.)

Maddox knows how to use big vocabulary words better than I do and has better grammer and spelling:

This actually gives a point to me. I keep trying to explain to various loons that high vocabulary and even good grammar and spelling does not high intelligence make. Newspapers write their shit at a 5th grade level for good reason. They are not interested in sounding pompous and smart. They are interested in money, but because they are interested in money they are interested in COMMUNICATING WITH THE LARGEST GROUPS OF PEOPLE POSSIBLE. If Maddox has good shit to say and wants people to hear it, he is actually doing himself a disservice by flashing his oratory prowess. Half the dumb-fuckers out there won’t understand what the fuck he is saying and won’t get the jokes as a result. What’s the point of doing that crazy shit?

Better spelling and grammar usually just means that the person who is better at that had more time to proofread his shit. I”m choosing quantity of brilliant posts over quality of writing, so that’s where the problem comes in.

Let’s get this clear, though. The Lone Crusader doesn’t care about big words. The Lone Crusader cares about the truth and getting it out to as many fuckers as I can in the shortest amount of time. If big words get in the way of that shit, then big words must be destroyed.

Maddox: 1 T.L.C: 1

P.S. My writing might be crappier, but I take on religious and political issues that I’ve noticed Maddox won’t dare touch.
If anyone is honest enough to be able to look through the crappy writing and all the profanity they might also see that my shit is a hell of a lot deeper than Maddox’s too. So maybe I should get a point there for that, but I’ll be kind to Maddox to keep this shit fair.

Some people say Maddox is funnier than the Lone Crusader and the Lone Crusader is “unfunny”. Now I don’t know who to trust here. Some of the people who said I’m not as funny as Maddox are also some of the same people who said I had a small dick. I know they were wrong about the latter, so who’s to say they aren’t wrong about the former too? Right?

On the other hand I have some miracle bloggers with no agenda coming on here telling me they never laughed their ass off so hard in their lives as when they read my shit. I even had a lesbian say this after I called all homos murderers. Now to me, that says that some people find my shit funny. You don’t? Fuck you, then. It’s not a problem.

Just go back to Maddox’s website and other websites you enjoy. Funniness like taste, is not something worth arguing about. People have different ideas of what they find funny so fuck off. I don’t waste time going around to everyone’s blog saying that they’re not funny (even though they really aren’t) because I’m not a jackass, so why do you waste your time doing this crazy shit?

So I’ll just go ahead and give both me and Maddox a point for being funny ass motherfuckers.

Maddox 2: T.L.C.: 2

(this is getting exciting).

Who has a bigger ego? This is an easy one. Maddox thinks he’s a pirate and he’s hot shit and all that but the Lone Crusader is actually of the belief that he is either the Messiah, or G-d but probably both. You just can’t top that kind of ego trip.

Maddox: 2 T.L.C.: 3

(I take the lead!)

Maddox’s background on his website is black making his website an “evil” website”. My background is white making my website a force for good.

Maddox 2 T.L.C.: 4P.S. Maddox has some fucked up argument that he makes regarding why his website background is black. He says if your background is white, then looking into your screen is like looking into a lightbulb because you are just staring into white light. I would like to point out to this pirate-infatuated fucker that his text is still white, and that’s where people’s eyeballs spend most of their time, not on the negative space. So if what he’s saying is true (and it is) it’s still much better to keep your text black and your background white. You’d have us look at your white ass shit THE WHOLE TIME WE ARE READING YOUR SHIT, instead of just having white around the words)

As I just mentioned above, Maddox has this very fucked up love and fascination with pirates. The Lone Crusader does not.

Maddox: 2 T.L.C.:5

Who would win in an actual physical fight between the Lone Crusader and Maddox? Well, this is where things get interesting. I’ve seen (and have even posted here) pictures of Maddox. He’s a bit bigger than me and a bit thicker than me. However, I am a lot crazier than he is. And any good betting man knows that in a fight between a good strong fighter and a nut-job, you should always bet on the nut-job. Do you know why boys and girls? Because no matter how strong you think you are, the nut-job will just freak out, bite your ear off Mike Tyson style and that’ll be the end of it. Maddox would just wind up walking off bloody, scared and earless into the ambulance to go to the emergency room to get that shit sown back on if they can pry it from me.

Madoxx: 2 T.L.C.: 6

The Lone Crusader uses more curse words in quantity. But Madoxx uses more curse words in quality. We each get a point for our cursing.

Madoxx 3: T.L.C. 7

So there you have it loons. The Lone Crusader is a better man with a better website than Maddox by a score of 7 to 3.

He was doing okay in the beginning, but I really turned on the heat and kicked the shit out of him in the second half of that game. Fuck yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this settles the issue once and for all. If I’ve left anything out of my detailed and all around fucking amazing analysis I’m sure my hateful looney miracles bloggers will point it out to me via their typical bullshit comments.

I’m the king of the jungle and don’t you forget it.

The Lone Crusader

The Best Insults People Seem to Be Able to Come Up with These Days

I remember a better time when if you hated someone you could really come up with some good shit to say to piss them off.

I’m very disappointed in my looney hateful bloggers and what shitty stuff they’ve been able to come up with.

What follows is a summary of the insults they’ve been able to conjure up to try to make me feel like shit (as if that were possible coming from a loon to a courageous truth warrior like the Lone Crusader ):

#1: That I have no fucking clue what I’m doing when it comes to how to do technical shit on the internet. (showed up like 10 times since the beginning of this blog because this insult is undoubtedly true)

#2: That I’m a repressed homosexual (If I’m a repressed homo then the homos are repressed straight people. Okay? Does that all make sense now in your fucked up world view, you loons?!) (showed up like 6 times)

#3: That I don’t know how to use big vocabulary words (came up like 3 times because some fuckers still confuse high vocabulary with high intelligence)

#4: That I have a small dick. (showed up for first time today by some smarty-pants named “Holden”. This one is also pretty interesting. Atheists insist there is no scientific proof that there is a G-d so they don’t believe it in spite of the fact that they know that the whole fucking universe didn’t just come out of their ass, but then when it comes to cocksize they are CONVINCED that they know what it is from a few blog posts as if they are some kind of psychic. The loons never cease to amaze me.)

Those four pretty much sum up all the insults my looney miracle bloggers seem to be able to conjure up about me at this point. Considering everyone is telling me I’m such an ignoramus, you’d think the insults would be a bit better than this. I mean, it seems like we’re back in the playground in 2nd grade with this shit. I have faith that there will be more insults and hopefully they will be more original and interesting ones.

If I come across any exciting new ideas people are coming up with to try to make me feel like shit I will be sure to inform you here on this post. This will be like a running post. Wow! This shit is getting professional!

The Lone Crusader

What should I do? This “Looney” is in Love with the Lone Crusader!

Maybe some of my miracle bloggers are familiar with a character appropriately known as “Looney” that’s been posting hateful bullshit on here about my blog and how much she hates me pretty much since I started this blog.

She writes a LOT of comments and writes them almost every day.

You don’t see all of them because I don’t post them all.

That gives me a chance to digress and tell you the policy I’ve developed about posting my miracle blogger’s comments. When 99% of people out there are loons you need to have some rules about this shit and here are mine:

Rule #1: If your comment is positive-I’ll approve it.

Rule #2: If your comment is hateful but funny-I”ll approve it.

Rule #3: If your comment is unfunny but smart-I’ll approve it.

Rule #4: If your comment is funny and smart-I’ll definitely approve it.

Rule #5: If your comment is hateful and unfunny-I won’t approve it.

The reason behind rule #5 is that nobody needs to see hateful and boring shit. We get enough of that stuff in the rest of our lives.  Let the Lone Crusader’s blog be the one place that’s different. Right?

So a lot of “Looney’s” comments fall into the Rule #5 category, but a few of them fall into the categories of Rules # 2 or #3 so those make it on here.

Now if you’ve been following, you know I was under the impression that this Looney was a dude. I never thought anyone could be so butch and angry and in your face without actually having actual physical balls from which to derive that sort of power.

Once again this world never ceases to amaze me and this Looney, at least claims that she’s a chick (as opposed to a dick)!

After I got over the initial shock of that revelation, I got to thinking (as I am prone to do when I haven’t taken my pills).

Why would some chick who makes no secret about the fact that she hates me, my blog and everything about it with every ounce of estrogen she has continue to go to my blog, read the awesome posts, and then take time out to think up and write all these hateful bullshit comments.

I mean, does this really make any sense?

Let’s talk about normal people for a moment if you can imagine that. If a normal person wound up on a blog and just fucking hated what he was reading. What do you think he would do? Well  I don’t think it will be a big revealtion to tell you that we human beings generally try to seek pleasure and stay away from pain.  So I think you know exactly what he would do.

HE WOULD GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS HE COULD SO HE COULD GET ON TO DOING SOMETHING HE ACTUALLY ENJOYS!!!!!!!!!!!

The fact that this “Looney” character is not doing this can only mean one of two things:

a) She really is a Looney. This is very possible, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

b) She’s fall off  her ass in LOVE with the Lone Crusader!!!!!!!!

Under assumption b) everything makes perfect sense and falls right into place.

She LOVES me and everything I say so she’s fucking addicted to this blog which is why she visits it multiple times a day and wants to communicate with me in some way.

Then she get’s conflicted. She claims to have a boyfriend that she’s fucking. Well she knows damn well it’s not her style to blow of her boyfriend and tell him he’s boring compared to this quirky, Jewish, G-d loving egomaniac blogger named the “Lone Cruader” that she met on the interent but has never seen. That’s just not her style.

So what is she to do with all of these conflicting emotions?

Simple. 

You do whatever every person does when they are uncomfortable with their feelings of love for some fucker. You just take those conflicting emotions and channel them into hate-filled dialogue so it can try to hide over the deep-seated feelings of love she has for me.

This way, she can try to convince herself through her external behavior that really there is no conflict here and no desire to get it on with the Lone Crusader. Though she knows deep in her heart of hearts that she’s full of shit and would love nothing more than to get inside the Lone Crusader’s pants.

It’s all so simple I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.

Well let me make this clear, Looney. If you were reading carefully you would know that I’m married. I’m taken. Okay?

I said that I MAY be accepting applications for concubines in the NEAR FUTURE. Not now.

And besides for that you’d need to provide a picture and I’m  having trouble even getting you to provide a link to your salacious sex blog. So good luck with that application process. You already have one strike against you because you were not honest and upfront about your feelings for me and tried to pull this “use hate to repress the love” bullshit.

So I’m not too optimistic about your chances of success in the upcoming concubine contest, to be frank with you.

But we’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it. Right now the options not on the table so your really need to cut this shit out before your boyfriend gives you a beating. Okay?

I hate to let chicks down so hard…but they bring it on themselves.

Everybody clear on all this?

Anyone have any suggestions as to how to get rid of a chick who is stalking you because they are so mad with love for you that they need to see your shit every second of every day?

I’m counting on you miracle bloggers for advice. I generally don’t do this (becaue I like to pretend I know everything) but this is getting serious.

Okay.

That’s all for now boys and girls.

Now go back to whatever the fuck you were doing.

The Lone Crusader.  

Yet Another Reason Atheists Are Morons

I’m not done with you atheists. I just thought of another reason why you are morons and I want you to know about this.

It has to do with proving a negative and shit like that…I’ll have to wait until tomorrow…I’m too tired to do this justice right now.

Just for now…remember that you are morons…and tommorow you can find out why if the good Lord chooses to give me another day of life on this glorious (however fucked up) place we call earth.

I have pictures!

I just want to send a warm “fuck you” out to all the fuckers who said “I don’t know how to blog”, or “my blog looks shitty”, or “I’m an asshole because I don’t know how to edit a blog after blogging for three days”.

Check out my fucking awesome pictures you bastards!!!!!!!!!

I did this with no help from any of you pricks. I get nothing from you guys.

All I get from you is hate.

Well if hate is your game then I say “fuck you” because this blog is not about hate. It’s about love. It’s about the love I share between me…and myself.

And if you want to get in between that shit I pity you. I pity you boring fuckers with pictureless blogs while I’m out here kicking ass for G-d with my colorful shit.

Nobody has pictures like this. Nobody. Nobody but Google Images. But besides Google Images, nobody has these pictures.

G-d I love myself.

The Lone Crusader

It’s “Ash ‘I look like hell’ Wednesday”

Now that we’ve dealt with the atheists, the homos, the Israel-haters and the Christians…you Catholics might be thinking you’re going to get a free ride.

Fuck that! No free rides over here. No child will be left behind and nobody is safe from the righteous anger of the Lone Crusader!

Here’s my beef with you Catholics. Brace yourself.

It’s Ash Wednesday today and I see you folks walking around town with ash on your forehead in accordance with the ancient tradition to mourn for 40 days before Easter or some shit like that.

This is all good and fine. I mean, why should I interfere with a time-honored and harmless tradition in a country in which the free exercise of religion is each citizen’s birthright?

I just have a few innocent questions for you Catholics that I’ve been wondering about today:

IS THERE SOME RULE WHICH SAYS THAT YOUR ASH MUST ALWAYS BE A SMUDGY OLD MESS! WHO IS APPLYING THIS ASH? DID THEY GO TO SCHOOL FOR THIS SHIT!?!?? IF SO , HOW COULD IT BE THAT THEY ALL FAILED THEIR ASH ART APPLICATION CLASS… BECAUSE WHAT ELSE COULD EXPLAIN WHY THE FUCK EVERYONE WALKING AROUND LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT THEIR HEAD STUCK IN A CHIMNEY!!!!?!!?!!?!!!

I mean I’ve seen TONS of people today with this shit on their head and not one of them had ash that wasn’t a complete smudgy dripping mess!

 

Jesus Christ!

 

Most days lots of women spend HOURS doing their make up. But when it come to this shit even spending one moment in the mirror is apparently one moment too long. Religion makes people do crazy shit sometimes.

 

I know you are mourning and shit, but have you no self-respect? You’re in public now.

Take a tip from the Hindus. They have that little red dot on their forehead. It’s nice, neat and clean and everyone seems to like it.

 

Couldn’t you also ask that your ash be fashioned in a neat circle, or maybe a square, or maybe you could get a real professional who could fashion the logo of your favorite football team on your noggin.

 

I dunno. I’m open to hearing suggestions but anything has got to be better than this smudgy mess!

 

Oh yeah, I have one more question for you fuckers.

 

DID JESUS WEAR THIS SHIT ON HIS HEAD TOO?

 

I have no hard facts on this but I find it very unlikely that anybody could’ve kicked off one the most popular religions ever walking around looking like somebody just stuck his head in a barbeque.

I don’t care if the preist is the one who fucked it up. You go into the nearest bathroom get some moist kleenex and you fix that shit up. Okay?

 

You guys look so gothic. Isn’t that like the opposite of Catholicism? I think you’re supposed to put that shit on your hair…not on your forehead. I dunno. Something got fucked up with this tradition because it just don’t look right.

 

 

How could you worship a god who wants you to look like that?

I mean how you could ever get laid looking like that, is really my question.

 

I suppose you could fuck each other because you have so much in common but the whole thought of you guys fucking with that shit on your head makes my tuna sandwich wanna go out the wrong hole.

 

I just thought of another question: would you still be wearing that shit on your head if you had a really important job interview to go to? If not, why not? Is your religion something that you only do unless it interferes with really important shit? I dunno. The whole thing just turns me off.

So here’s the deal.

 

When I’m in charge, if I see anyone with a smudgy mess on their head that will qualify you for automatic and mandatory entry into my highly coveted Looney Bin (still deciding if it should be capitalized….yes…I think it should be capitalized because it’s so important). Okay.

Do we have this straight you Catholic fuckers?

Good.

Now go back to whatever the fuck you were doing.

 

The Lone Crusader

 

P.S. Afterthought: Maybe someone who is Catholic and not in the mood of being a hatefilled little prick could respond and tell me how you expect us to act when we are talking to you and you have that shit on your head. Do you want us to just pretend like we don’t notice it? Or would that somehow defeat the purpose of this self imposed suffering. If you actually want the suffering does that mean we should like bang on the table and make a big announcement to the class and be like: “hey cindy got a smudgy shitty mess on her forehead everybody…take a look at this shit, you won’t believe it if you don’t see it!”. That would cause tremendous emotional suffering to you and maybe that would help with the whole mourning and sadness thing.

 

Just let me know what you want me to do because I’m pretty flexible right now. I might not be later so strike while the ashes…I mean the iron… is still hot.

P.P.S. I noticed a few of you fuckers had just a very small smudge of ash. This makes me wonder. Are you guys just like…’sort of Catholic’….is this sort of like the crazy “reform” Jews we have in Judaism who want to do the shit, but only half-way.

Or maybe the priest was just getting low on ash and he needed it to last so he skimped on you and I’m giving you a rough time for nothing.

 

Well if it’s the former I say “fuck you”! If you’re going to do this shit, do it right.

If it’s the latter I think you should make a donation to your church so there’s enough ash for everybody next time. Either that or join a smaller more caring church where they are not so fucking cheap about the ash they are willing to dispense, Okay?

P.P.P.S. Where do they buy all that ash anyway? Maybe they just have a big bon-fire and burn Talmuds and shit so they don’t need to buy it. Who knows?

If any miracle bloggers know the answer to that question feel free to comment.

And of course I welcome all the hate filled bullshit comments you can conjure up. I love getting insulted by loons. It reminds me that I’m still on the right track.

Thanks.