An Open Letter to Muslim Terrorists
Dear Muslim Terrorists,
This is the Lone Crusader. And I’m here to tell you that I see you out there doing your thing. I see you blowing yourselves up along with the infidels in various hotspots around the globe. I also see a lot people giving you a lot of shit for this shit that you’re doing. So right off the bat let me tell you that I’m not like them. I’m different. Unlike everyone else out there giving you a rough time about your terrorism I won’t. I get you. Okay?
No shit. I understand where you are coming from.
I know damn well it says in your Holy Books that you get 70 virgins in heaven when you do this shit.
I understand that from your location and socio-economic status 70 virgins sounds like a hell of a good deal.
So don’t get me wrong. If the Lone Crusader was the Muslim Lone Crusader and in your position I just might go and do the same thing you do.
The simple facts are that nothing could be worse than a life of fucking only ugly women. That can hardly be called a ‘life” at all.
So not having a lot of cash and resources, being doomed to a “life” of fucking either ugly women” or “camels” or the dessert sand is enough to make you want to kill yourself right there.
But then you go and tell me that if I kill myself (which I wanted to do anyway) and kill some Jews at the same time (which I wanted to do anyway because the Koran says I should hate those bastards in Suras 2:61, 65 3:112, 7:166) then I get 70 virgins in heaven! Shit! Now that just sounds like a win-win situation for the Muslim Lone Crusader.
Now do you understand that I’m not here to criticize? Now do you understand that I sympathize with your plight. I mean, you guys and me. We’re like two peas in a pod.
I would kill for sex any day of the week and so would you. People like us are the few who understand that while killing innocent people is not very good…but a life without good sex is just fucking G-d awful. Really we should grab a beer sometime because we both so fucking alike. With all the crazy bullshit that goes on in this fucked up world we are the only fuckers that haven’t lost site of what really matters: fucking. But not just fucking. Good fucking. And fucking nice virgnis with big tities.
So while I’m not here to call you murderers or any of that shit I do have a reason for writing this letter.
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I think there is a better way.
This whole “70 virgins in heaven for blowing up yourself and other fuckers you hate anyway” all sounds fine and dandy on paper. But in reality there are 5 problems here that we must confront before we make a big decision like whether or not to blow ourselves into oblivion for this shit.
Problem #1: The blowing yourself up part.
I think we both can agree that blowing yourself up is a pretty fucked up thing to do. No matter how low your self esteem might be I think we’d all agree you deserve a bit more respect than having your body parts wind up in bite sized pieces splattered all over some Kosher Pizza Shop.
(does this fucker to the left look like he’s having a good time up there?)
Just think about where your nose will end up, or your dick (in some Jew’s soggy french fries perhaps?) or your finger. Just think about it and ask yourself if maybe there isn’t a better way to achieve your goals through other means.
Problem #2: What if they were bullshitting you?
I know you won’t like this one because you are a “believer ’till the end” and all of that bullshit but the beginning of education is facing harsh realities. So let’s face the facts.
There are a hell of a lot of religions out there. There’s three big ones: Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Then we’ve got the different types of Jews Muslims and Christians. Then we’ve got the budhists, hindus and we’ve got no end to the other kinds of looney cults we’ve got out there. But then, there’s only one Truth, now isn’t there? Everybody can’t be right.
Now I’m no mathematician but by my count all things being equal right off the bat you’ve only got less than a 33.3% chance that the shit your religion is even true between the big three religions. Add in all the other religions and let’s throw the the atheists into the mix to make it interesting and that percentage goes down significantly. I mean what if one of those fucked up cults in Texas has the Truth? It’s unlikely, but we just can’t rule out the possibility in a world of logic.
Judaism is probably the oldest of all those religions and those few fuckers are still around doing their thing even though everyone was always trying to kill them so we’ve got to give them a few extra points for surviving against the odds for so long.
So let’s be conservative here and just say that there’s definitely no more than a 20% chance that your religion is even true.
In laymans terms this means that: THERE’S AN 80% CHANCE THAT YOUR RELIGIONS IS DEAD FUCKING WRONG!!!!!!
Do you realize what this means?
It doesn’t mean you should stop being a Muslim. That would be nuts. Maybe G-d digs your shit against all odds. In every good movie the underdog wins. Why should life (the big movie) be any different?
So we don’t want to give up Islam because of this shit. But if we are reasonable folks (and I think we all are) then we won’t hedge any serious bets on a team that has a 20% odds to win.
I mean would you have bet the farm that the Giants would beat the Pats this year? Hell no. I rest my case.
And this is no small bet here.
According to most of those religions out there what you’re planning on doing would earn you a one way ticket to hell.
I mean, just imagine for a moment how much it would suck if after splattering yourself to bits all over a strip mall you go ‘upstairs’ only to see no virgins but just a massive strip mall like the one you were in here on earth. And then all of the sudden you hear this massive explosion. Another explosion and another one. Fuck! That shit is blowing out my ear drums! It’s getting closer and closer until the explosions pelts you with nails and blow you to bits and splatter you all over the wall. You wake up and it happens again. And again and again.
I know I have a fucked up imagination. But would it be so nuts to think that maybe G-d would make you live an eternity experiencing what you made those infidels experience?
That sounds like rough justice to me. It sounds almost Biblical.
I”m not saying you’re religion is wrong at all. I’m just saying you’ve got to a be a pragmatist and weigh all the possibilities, the pros and cons and risk aversion in light of the worst case scenario that before you get hyped up and make some brash decisions that you might not be able to take back.
I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but what if the Islamic books just made up this whole virign thing to sucker people like you into spreading their bullshit religion by the sword because people we”t buying into it on logic alone. I’m not saying it’s true. I’m just saying it’s possible. Consider the possibility and weight them before you make decisions you can’t take back.
Problem #3:
You”ll be in heaven but your dick will be in a hundred peices on earth.
This one you should already be familiar with. I know some of you guys even go so far as to wrap your dick in a napkin before you blow yourselves up. Well I got news for you. WHEN YOUR HIGH POWERED EXPLOSIVE STRAPPED TO YOUR CHEST GOES OFF YOUR napkin won’t do shit.
Your dick will be completely fucked when you are through with this mess so even if Islam is right, how will you take advantage of those hot virgins?
Now I know that they probably tell you that G-d will give you a new Muslim body along with a Muslim super dick, but then ask yourself this question: If they give you a new body and a new super dick, then it’s not really you up there now is it? I mean you were supposed to be the one getting the virgins, not some Superhero angel body dude that looks kinda like you.
Which brings me to another point: Is the sex up there going to be all spiritual and heavenly too?
You don’t want that shit.
You want the down and dirty sweaty sex that you can only get in this world. Not that spiritual shit.
Problem #4:
Virigins are overrated.
Need I say more?
Why fuck a chick that leaves you with a bloody mess all over your dick when you’re done when you can fuck one that leaves you clean as a whistle? Why? Because virgins are tight? Well Chinese chicks are tight too virgin or not (and they can cook a mean stir-fry to boot!).
Plus the chick is in pain the whole time you’re trying to get your kicks. Any man who’s done a nickle’s worth of fucking knows that the real fun begins after you’ve gotten past this bloody virginity bullshit.
If you don’t know you’ll just have to take my word on this: Virgins are overrated. Get yourself some experienced pussy and reap the ample benefits.
Problem #5:
Even if your religion is right, and somehow you have your own dick up there and these virgins are not as overrated as the ones here on earth…you’ve still got another problem.
Do you like blind dates? I don’t either.
No chance to see what you’re getting yourself into. I know your imams tell you that the virgins up there are “beatiful” but you must understand that they are basing themselves on texts written centuries ago. Their definition of “beautiful” back then might be different in a few significant ways to what we consider beautiful now.
It wasn’t that long ago that we considered fat chicks beautiful and skinny ones were the ugly bitches. Fat was a sign of wealth. I assume everyone is wealthy up there with all the grapes and shit you got going on…whose to say you aren’t going to blow yourself to bits only to find yourself with a bunch of Arabian Muslim fatties. I”m not saying its’ going to happen…all I’m saying is it’s risky unless you can get some kind of picture in advance of what these virgins will look like.
And lesson #1 in life: Don’t bet your whole life on shitty odds. Okay? With all these problems I just brought up you are better off playing Russian Roulette than getting involved in this 70 virgin terrorism bullshit.
But don’t worry folks…get ready for the Lone Crusaders unique, never-thought-of-before-because-most-peoples’-skull-is-full-of-shit solution to all these problems.
Get ready for my:
Simple And (Undoubtedly) Brilliant Solution
This one is so simple and brilliant you might just blow up reading it because it’s that good.
I laid out 5 pretty substantial ‘wrinkles’ in your little plan to get your hands on all those virgins, but I can solve all of them for you with one word.
And that word is: www.adultfriendfinder.com
By its own testimony this website is: “The World’s Largest Sex & Swinger Personals Community”.
And there are LOTS of other websites like it. Just google it if you don’t believe me.
I’ve never used this service myself, I’ve never had the need. But I hear from reliable sources that most of these websites are the real deal.
Do you realize what this means my Muslim terrorist friends?
There are actually hot chicks (maybe even some virgins) ready here and now for your Muslim cock. Lot’s of them. They’re not in heaven. They’re here in New Jersey, in New Mexico, in Nebraska in Los Angeles. They’re not asking for money. They’re just asking for a good fuck from a strong warrior like yourself.
You don’t need to blow yourself up to get them. How did this happen?
Well it’s not important right now but there’s been a feminization of the American and European white male that’s been going on for a few decades.
Most of their balls have jumped bail. So you’re left with all these chicks that are DESPARATE for a strong man like yourself to fuck them like they need to be fucked.
They want it hard. And they would love nothing more than Muslim cock to fulfill their desires.
So fuck this heaven bullshit. Why wait with shitty odds? Go with the sure bet that’s available today. These chicks are here. They are now. They are real. You can see their pictures in advance. There are more than 70 of them. There’s probably at least 700 of them on any one of these sites on any given night if you are willing to travel a bit.
Hop on a plane wherever your are, spend two bucks in an internet cafe, pick your slut and start living your fantasy right now.
This is not an ad for these websites. This the Lone Crusader looking out for you and telling you you don’t need to look anywhere but planet Earth for your dreams to be fulfilled.
Paradise is right under your nose. So drop the explosives belt and pick up a mouse and just click your way to your dreams. This really changes the score. Sex is at your fingertips today. Blow yourself and your dick up and there’s a good chance you are PASSING UP the opportunity of a lifetime staring you in the face right now for the 20% chance of heavenly overrated fat virgins. Don’t be a loon. Cut the terrorism bullshit and get down to the original purpose behind all this shit: fucking hot women.
Okay?
Okay everyone.
I’m expecting a lot more fucking and a lot less fighting once this spreads virally through the internet. I can already hear world peace descending upon us heralded by the almighty sound of some chick’s multiple orgasms.
There I did it.
Now go back to whatever the fuck you were doing.
The Lone Crusader
AP – Democrat Barack Obama joined the nation’s earliest voters Tuesday as people around the nation began lining up to cast ballots in a historic election pitting Republican John McCain against the man seeking to become the first black president in U.S. history.
